Life of a Common Cyborg

It is morning, and you are a common cyborg. You roll over, swing your leg out of bed, and reach for your other leg where it's charging by the nightstand. You rub lotion onto the part of your leg that's always attached to your body, spray it with antiperspirant, pull on the suction liner. You slide into the synthetic pieces of your leg and walk in place until they're secure. Then you eat breakfast and brush your teeth and put on your clothes. Today you are: [[Going to work]]. [[Going to the prosthetist]]. (set: $disappear to 0) (set: $blisters to 0) (set: $avoid to 0) (set: $rude to 0) (set: $uncomfortable to 0) (set: $messages to 0) (set: $tired to 0)

You enter through the back door, as always. There is no accessibility ramp in the front, and taking the stairs is never comfortable. The elevator is broken so you have to take the stairs to your office on the second floor anyway. You need to go to the prosthetist again; your knee is bending too quickly. It makes you feel like you are going to fall. There is a PR consultant in the waiting room. It's her first day, and she looks very peppy, chatty, and nervous. You know your boss will want you to introduce yourself, but you have a lot of work to do before lunch. [[Talk to her]]. [[Go to your office]].

Your insurance only offered two prosthetists under your plan when you moved to this new city. You chose: [[The older, more experienced prosthetist->dismissed]]. [[The young, excited and tech-oriented prosthetist->technosavant]].

You were right. She is peppy and chatty and nervous. She babbles on for five minutes about how excited she is to work with the company. She tries very hard not to look at your leg. It's very much like when men try not to look at your chest. She winds herself around to the conclusion so many people come to. "And of course, I love that the company hires veterans like you. Thank you for your service!" You smile tightly. "I didn't serve, actually." "Oh!" She pauses for a moment, hoping you will answer the question without her having to ask. You wait. She cracks. "What happened to your leg, then?" [[Tell her the truth]]. [[Be honest]].

You'll have to meet her eventually, but at least this way you'll get some work done first. They always ask questions when they notice you're a cyborg. You work for a while, but eventually your brain needs a break. Some recharge time. [[Scroll through social media]]. [[Go up a floor to visit your coworker]]. (set: $avoid to 1)

It's spring, so everyone is posting photos of themselves in the ocean. You don't have a water leg, so you can't match them. You have a photo from last weekend, though, when you sat in a lawn chair next to a pool wearing a big hat and a cute tank top and shorts. It seems like an appropriate addition to the internet's limited catalog of humanity. Of course, photos where your leg is visible always bring the creeps out of the woodwork. [[Post it]]. [[Don't post it]].

Of course, the elevator is still broken. Taking the stairs makes the join of your leg sweat. You think you might be getting a blister. You two talk for a bit, and you even practice with them for the presentation you're giving in the afternoon. You're feeling pretty good about it, minus the twinge of pain you feel at the idea of standing for twenty minutes with that blister. But you put that aside; right now, it's time to meet your boyfriend for [[lunch]]. (set: $blisters to 1)

"I've been a cyborg since I was six. My first leg was crushed and had to be replaced. It's better now." "Oh, that's awful!" she says. "I'm so sorry." "Why? At least this one works." "Right, of course, I mean, I'm sorry, it just must have been hard to grow up being, you know..." "Disabled." "Yeah! Sorry, I didn't know what word..." They never do. "It's fine." It isn't. "This is HR. You can fill out the paperwork here." She looks desperate to be somewhere else. You have become numb to other people's discomfort. There is too much of it. You give her what she wants and [[disappear->lunch]]. (set: $disappear to 1) (set: $uncomfortable to 1)

You try to be polite because your boss has told you not to be so aggressive. You do not think you are aggressive; you //do// think he is uncomfortable that he can see your otherness. Your cyborg side. You also think that you are tired of explaining why non-cyborgs think you are less. "Honestly, and I'm not trying to be rude, but I'd prefer not to talk about it." She turns red; you can't tell if it's embarrassment, anger, or both. "I was just curious," she says hotly. You point the way to HR and do what she really wants you to: [[disappear->lunch]]. (set: $disappear to 1) (set: $rude to 1)

Fuck it; you're posting it. You look great, and you shouldn't have to hide that. You're proud of being a cyborg. You spend the next half hour blocking the fetishists who troll your feed just waiting for new posts where they can see your leg. You try not to read the messages they send. At least you have a distraction; it's time to meet your boyfriend for [[lunch]]. (set: $messages to 1)

You've gone through this before: post a photo, block twenty new non-cyborgs who want to touch you and won't shut up about it, contemplate the effects of social media on your mental health and physical safety, post another photo, etc. It doesn't seem worth the likes right now. You still wish you could do it without the mess that comes with it. At least you have a distraction from this spiral; it's time to meet your boyfriend for [[lunch]].

(if: $disappear is 1)[You reappear from your office when it's time to meet your boyfriend for lunch.] You walk to the restaurant down the street(if: $blisters is 1)[, trying not to make your blister any worse while also avoiding an obvious limp]. Your boyfriend pulls up right as you get to the entrance. It's a gorgeous day, though a little hot. You decide to eat: [[Outside]]. [[Inside]].

After you order, you stretch out your legs beneath the table, tilt your head back and admire the glow of the sunlight through your closed eyes. Your boyfriend is oddly quiet. When you open your eyes, you notice him glaring at someone at another table. There's a child there, twisted around in his chair and staring open-mouthed at your legs. Your boyfriend is glaring at the boy's mother, who is flushed with embarrassment and trying to get her son's attention. You force a smile and tuck your legs casually under the chair. If you were alone, you might talk to him, but you don't really want to explain cyborgs to a child while you're on a lunch date. Again. You can't help but notice how your boyfriend holds your hand a bit more stiffly, avoiding eye contact with passers-by, when he walks you back to [[work->presentation]].

You get a table together in the back corner and catch up about how your days are going. Then, offhandedly, your boyfriend mentions his ex. They still work together. It's hard to focus on what he's saying after that. He's told you, again and again, that he loves you. He's very careful not to say, "I love you even though you're a cyborg." But you know his ex had two flesh legs, two flesh arms, no health issues that would make her a cyborg. You cut the lunch short. You have a [[presentation]] to prepare for, after all.

You're very prepared for your presentation, and you know it's going to go well. And it does, for the most part; you explain everything you've been working on, answer questions, and write down the criticisms that actually seem worth something. You have yet to convince your boss that sitting during a presentation is acceptable, though you keep bringing it up with HR. (if: $blisters is 1)[If only you didn't have a blister on top of a flesh limb that isn't meant to bear weight the way it does.] (if: $messages is 1)[In the last minute, a notification pops up on your computer. It's another message about the photo you posted. You try to make it disappear as quickly as possible, but you can tell that several people saw it. ]Afterwards, your boss calls your name and asks you to stay behind. "Great work on the presentation," he says, "but I heard from the PR consultant (if: $avoid is 1)[that you haven't introduced yourself yet. I'd really like you to talk to her. It's important to show how inclusive the company is.(if: $messages is 1)[ And make sure to turn off notifications when you're using your personal computer. I don't care what you do on your own time, but on company time you need to be professional, and that was highly inappropriate.]](else-if: $rude is 1)[that you were rude again. You need to get that chip off your shoulder about being a-- being disabled. This is a professional environment. Personal problems can't affect the company. Consider this your last warning before I send you to HR.](else-if: $uncomfortable is 1)[that you made her uncomfortable. I don't know what the problem is, but fix it.]" He walks off before you can figure out what to say. You want to yell at him. You want to cry. You need this job. At least now you get to go [[home->eod]].

You get to the office, sit down, and take off your pants. You have yet to find an outfit that works for an examination of your full leg. Your prosthetist barely looks at your leg. He suggests adding another sock to counter the shrinking of your thigh. You tell him that you are using three socks already. He sighs and tells you to take off your leg so he can add some padding. There are two layers of padding already. You ask if it's time for a new mold. He reminds you of the expense. Your leg costs the same as a luxury car; you know the expense. He agrees to take a new mold, but says he won't order a new socket until you've tried another layer of padding. [[Argue]]. [[Agree]].

You get to the office, sit down, and take off your pants. You have yet to find an outfit that works for an examination of your full leg. The prosthetist comes in and begins to handle your leg. He convinced you (and the insurance company) that a new computerized knee was necessary for your continued existence. He also decided that it was time for a new thigh. It's always uncomfortable to switch out the pieces of your leg. Every time, you learn how to walk again. "Absolutely gorgeous," he says as he attaches the new pieces. You may not have nerves in that knee, but you can feel his fingers stroking at it. You feel completely exposed, both your skin and silicone. He programs your knee to bend, recalibrates your ankle's shock absorbance, has you walk up and down the exercise room to test the comfort of your new thigh. You wish you could adjust the programming yourself. It's your leg. You: [[Push yourself to adjust as quickly as possible]]. [[Take it easy and save your strength]].

You walk up and down the exercise room, pushing yourself to put weight on the new leg and trying not to fall. You do, once or twice, but you get a sense of the new knee. Your physical therapist "admires your drive." You drive straight home and collapse on the couch. Your flesh leg has swollen so much it's hard to remove the synthetic parts. You [[fall asleep->TV]] there. (set: $tired to 1)

You walk slowly, taking pauses to adjust and letting yourself rest. At the end of the session, the physical therapist expresses his disappointment that you didn't work as hard as you could have. You tell him that last time you pushed yourself, your leg swelled so much you had to use your crutches the next day. He gives you a look and tells you to make sure you get enough steps in that you'll keep this leg. If you need an upgrade later on and the insurance company sees that you haven't used it enough for their standards, they won't approve a new one. You tell the PT that you know this already, sign a bunch of paperwork, and [[go to the grocery store]] to pick up some wine for the girl's night your friends planned. (set: $lectured to 1)

You know yourself and your leg, and you know you need a new lower thigh. You tell him this, and when he continues to resist, you ask him to note his refusal in your records. This usually makes doctors more amenable to doing what you ask; if you go to someone else who does agree with you, it opens the previous doctor up to a lawsuit or a censure. Unfortunately, they may also put in that you are a difficult patient. You have to argue with the prosthetist for a while, and when he finally agrees, you still have to wait for him to hook up your leg to his computer and adjust the software so your knee bends more slowly. Then you add the padding to your thigh, test it out, and argue with the insurance company over whether you //really// need what you tell them you need enough for them to pay for it. By the time you finish, the afternoon is over and you've missed the window to join your friends for [[girl's night->TV]].

You know yourself and your leg; you know you'll need a new lower thigh soon. But you don't want to be seen as argumentative, so you let him put in a new layer of padding and adjust the knee a bit. It works well enough. If you wait a week and come back, he'll be more likely to listen. Some of your friends have chatting about having a girl's night in. Since you still have the afternoon, you decide to [[go to the grocery store]] and pick some wine. (set: $agreeable to 1)

You find everything you need, including a bottle of your friend group's tried-and-true cheap-but-good-enough wine. As you head towards the exit, you notice a van parked next to your car, which is in the accessible spot just outside the doors. When you pause, you also notice that a man without any shopping bags stops by the flowers at the front of the store. You think he might be watching you out of the corner of his eye. [[Ask the security guard to escort you to your car]]. [[Keep your eye on him, but give him the benefit of the doubt]].

(if: $tired is 1)[You wake up to a bunch of text messages from your friends asking if you want to hang out tonight. All of them are from three hours ago; you've definitely missed your window. ] You decide to watch some TV to wind down the day. There are a few things you could catch up on. [[Watch a soap opera]]. [[Watch the news]].

(if: $tired is 1)[To get up the stairs to your bedroom, you have to put your leg back on. You limp your way up and sink down onto the bed. ](else-if: $blisters is 1)[You have to climb the stairs up to your bedroom after dinner. You trudge slowly up, trying to make sure the bandage you put on your blister downstairs doesn't just make the blister worse. ] It's been a long, long day, and all you want to do is sleep. You are a common cyborg. You plug in your leg, watching the little blinking orange light that tells you it's charging. You cross to the bathroom on your crutches. If your arms ache, you will scoot across the floor. This is your body, with its pieces that attach and unattach. This is your body, metal and flesh, with mechanics both cellular and synthetic. This is you, in a world made for someone else. You dream of electric sheep. (event: when time > 8s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[Play Again]] (event: when time > 8s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[Learn More]] (click: "Play Again")[(reload:)] (click-goto: "Learn More", "Learn More")

In the newest episode of your favorite soap opera, one of the less-beloved characters is in a horrible car wreck and suffers a traumatic brain injury. The doctors tell her boyfriend, "She's alive, but she'll never be able to live a full life. She'll never walk properly again, and she'll never be able to speak the way she did before." The girl begs in broken phrases for her boyfriend to "let her go." //Better dead than disabled//, you think. As the doctors inject her with the poison that the writers chose for her, you [[turn off the TV->eod]].

With all the work you've been doing the past few days, you haven't been able to catch up on the news. The local channel is showing the story of a young woman who was shot in a robbery a few months before. The bullet hit her spine, resulting in incomplete paraplegia. In the video they show, she struggles down her wedding aisle on crutches and braces, dragging her feet as her father helps her keep her balance. You see her wince, again and again, as she walks. Her arms shake as she holds herself up to kiss her husband. He helps her back into the wheelchair she will likely use for the rest of her life. You hope that one day, she'll find her wheelchair as freeing as you do when your leg hurts too much to put on. (if: $tired is 1)[Like right now.] You [[turn off the TV->eod]].

The cashier calls a guard to the front of the store for you. He's very friendly and happy to help. He even checks the van for anyone hiding before you walk up to the door. You're very glad you asked when you see the man watching through the window of the store as you pull out of the spot to [[meet your friends]].

He's definitely following you. He doesn't get into the van next to yours, but when you pull out of the parking lot, he's in the car behind you. You dial 911 on your phone but don't hit the call button yet; you've dealt with this before. When you drive up to the nearest police precinct and stop in their parking lot, you see him driving away. You take a long, winding route to [[meet your friends]], checking the rearview mirror the whole way.

You get safely to your friend's apartment and speedwalk into the building, just in case. Everyone else is already there; they're delighted that you brought wine. Someone asks how your day is going. [[Say it was fine]]. [[Tell them about the doctor's office]].

(if: $lectured is 1)["I got lectured for not working myself to the bone with my new leg," you tell them. "I know I have to adjust to it, but come on, I want to be able to move, you know?" ](if: $agreeable is 1)["My prosthetist wouldn't update my leg. I just wish he'd listen to me when I tell him something's wrong, you know?" ] The two newest members of your group glance at each other uncomfortably. "How was the rest of the day?" one of them asks. [[Tell them about the stalker]]. [[Say it was fine]].

It seems like it'll be easier to just let everything go. With the two new friends who've joined your group here, your day has been tiring enough already without finding out if they're people who will understand. You've had friendships end that way before, and while you do want to know before you invest too much emotional energy, it would just be too much today. You have fun gossiping and laughing, but all your emotions crash right back on you when you [[head home->eod]].

The two newbies look even more uncomfortable. "That's awful," the other one says. "But... do you ever have good days?" You stare at them, waiting for an explanation. "It just seems like you always have bad days. And you always blame everyone else for treating you badly because you have a disability. What if your doctor is just right? And are you //sure// that guy was actually stalking you? It just seems crazy that that would happen again." An older friend steps in and tells her to back off, but the damage is done. You leave feeling [[angry and miserable->eod]].

<h2>Life of a Common Cyborg</h2> ==> themadpage <== [[Content Warning]] [[Learn More]] [[Play->Wake Up]]

This game is a day in the life of a woman with an above-the-knee amputation and contains stalking, online harassment, and microaggressions of various kinds. There is one mention of assisted suicide. [[Return->Landing Page]]

This game was inspired by cyborg and poet Jillian Weise's essay "Common Cyborg." For more information on common cyborgs and disability, see episode 66 of Alice Wong's Disability Visibility Podcast. For easily accessible information on disability activism and justice, visit the ACLU's website or Jessica Kellgren-Fozard's YouTube channel. [[Return->Landing Page]] (click: "Common Cyborg")[(open-url: "https://granta.com/common-cyborg/")] (click: "episode 66")[(open-url: "https://disabilityvisibilityproject.com/2019/12/18/ep-66-cyborgs/")] (click: "ACLU's website")[(open-url:https://www.aclu.org/issues/disability-rights)] (click: "YouTube channel")[(open-url:https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCDdi0yUyGW1PKzYXaIACnuA)]